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My Last WordPress Post! *Sob!


Don’t panic; I’d still be writing! Lol! Just not on a WordPress hosted site. I’ve moved house, in a manner of speaking.

I’ve moved my domain http://www.uwanma.com to a new host to enable me make the site more dynamic as it grows so I can offer you more. It’s all very exciting really; you just wait and see!

So, this address/site (www.uwanma.wordpress.com) will no longer be available to you as it would be deleted. But not before I move my followers with me to my new home at http://www.uwanma.com. I certainly most definitely and unequivocally cannot leave you behind. Who would keep me company at the new home?

All of my old contents and your input have all been moved already. All that’s left is for you to come with me!

On this note, I hereby invite you to subscribe and follow my posts on www.uwanma.com as that is where I will be sharing my life with you. You can also stay in touch with me by following me on Twitter @uwaodefa or liking my Facebook fan page @ http://www.facebook.com/uwanma. Feel free to hook up on Google+ and watch my videos on YouTube.

I love you all and hope to see you on the other side!

Good day my people… I will be taking attendance of all who cross over; I must not look for you o!

Uwanma the Loving!

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iDiary 82: The DIY Spa Weekend and The Gerascophobia!


It is with total resignation to fate that I announce to you, my dear readers, that I suffer from Gerascophobia!

I know the next questions: What is this Gerascophobia something? Is it deadly? Will it kill you? Who will take over the blog? Who told you that you even have the Gerascosomething of a thing?

I’ll take it one after the other starting from the last question:
1) Who told me I have Gerascophobia? I diagnosed myself by objectively, clinically, scientifically and dispassionately identifying and analyzing my symptoms.

2) Who will take over my blog? You’re selfish asking this kind of question! Someone says they have something that sounds as serious as “Gerascophobia” and you’re concerned about reading blog! Anyway, I will still be writing on the blog with my Geraacophobia self! It doesn’t affect the eyes, fingers or mind. Erm… It won’t affect my mind to the point where y’all would notice!

3/4) Is it deadly/Will it kill me? I’ve heard it could be deadly if it is allowed to get out of hand! Will it kill me? Y’all know I’m too tough to allow it kill me! Tough Naija babe from the Eastside!

And finally…

5) What is this Gerascophobia of a something? According to Wikipedia, Gerascophobia is an abnormal or persistent fear of growing old or ageing.

I have found myself checking for wrinkles, loose skin and grey hair (not that my ginger blonde hair will reveal any grey hairs to me, thank God!) and each time I search (which is every half an hour!) I find signs I’m getting old!

I find myself googling anti-aging remedies, working out more, eating right more Etc. And I finally diagnosed myself today when I found myself dedicating this entire weekend to a DIY spa treatment where I used everything from oatmeal to lemons to avocado and milk! (There were a few other things I’d never reveal even at the point of torturous death!) I gave myself a facial treatment, full body scrub, full body exfoliation, deep tissue conditioning treatment, pedicure and manicure. All of these after I defuzzed everywhere necessary!

So, my skin could rival Ruby’s at the moment… But for how long?

Good night my people… Age is certainly not just a number, is it?

Uwanma the Gerascophobic!

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iDiary 81: The Valentine and The Balanced Diet!


Yea, in the absence of a boyfriend, lover or my future Oyibo hubby, I decided to spend the much anticipated Valentine’s Day with the kids at the Down Syndrome Foundation. Did I mention I’ve been volunteering there throughout this week?

Anyway, I and a few other like-minded people spent the day with them. I had to leave early though because Valentine’s Day in Lagos equals mad traffic! It’s usually epic! So, I went home and had a balanced diet dinner: fruit cake and custard. And yes, it’s balanced diet: the fruit cake has fruits somewhere in it, right? And the custard has milk in it from a cow; that’s gotta be protein, abi? Lol!

Good night my people…I hope your Valentine involved the less privileged and eating healthy!

Uwanma the BalancedDieter!

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iDiary 80: The LASTMA Arrest and The Getaway Strategy!


Every Lagosian who drives will agree with me that the fear of LASTMA is the beginning of wisdom. Well, I now wholeheartedly agree more passionately after my arrest! LASTMA means Lagos State Traffic Management Agency and people have horror tales of their ordeals when they were arrested for minor traffic offences. Here is mine and my long walk to freedom! Lol!

So, I stopped along Bode Thomas in Surulere to have the MTN guys fix a connectivity problem in my phone. I parked by the kerb between two other cars and sauntered into their office. Just as I was being attended to someone came in to tell me my car was being towed! Mehn! I took off like a bullet in my 6 inch high heels! The car had already been lifted up! I’ve never seen my baby look so forlorn! Apparently I was parked in a no-parking zone. The other cars? Well, apparently the drivers sat in the cars and at the sight of the LASTMA officials took off!

The LASTMA officer, a Mr. Oluyole was quite politely taking pictures of my offence and explaining to me my crime. Of course I had no defence except that I didn’t see the sign! I’d never been in this position before and my sharp brain was working overtime trying to find an exit! Then I remembered when airport security arrested my car for (RollingMyEyes) parking in a no-parking zone! Remember iDiary 18: The Airport Security and The Drama!

So, I burst into tears! Don’t try the wailing! The chap was so startled that I almost giggled. A crowd started gathering all begging on my behalf but Mr. Oluyole insisted I had broken the law. So, my car, myself and my tears were taken to their office! On arrival, seeing the damage done to my car in the process of towing it made me burst into real tears! Then by the time I was told what my punishment would be, the wailing was really heartfelt! N20, 000 for the offence, N10, 000 for towing, N10, 000 for a 3-day training on traffic and road signs, tax papers and for each day my car was kept in their lot, I’d be charged N2, 000 for demurrage!

Mehn! I cried so hard and told them I had no money. They asked if I don’t have a job, told them I was a jobless woman. They asked if I didn’t have a boyfriend, who could bail me out and I said no. They asked if I had no parents, told them I was fatherless and my mother was a widow whom I didn’t want to disturb. They were stumped! Then they called their boss! He came, took one look at my swollen eyes and heard my story then asked them to let me go but that I’d have to pay for the towing N10, 000. I offered to sell them my phone to pay for it because I was broke! They were confused. All the while I hadn’t stopped crying! I cut a very pitiful picture that in the end they asked me to go and even offered me a drink!

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And that’s how I left the dreaded LASTMA office without it costing me anything but a fair amount of tears and a headache! All of this took about a little less than an hour tops! But by the time I got home, I was so exhausted that I slept from 5pm to past 12 midnight!

But I must commend the LASTMA officials; they were very polite, very well-spoken and their integrity was sound; they refused to collect my Nokia Lumia or iPhone and they refused to help me sell it! I think they’ve gotten rid of the uneducated touts who used to be LASTMA and they’re training their people properly. Well done! (I’m not saying this because they let me go!)

Good day my people…please, don’t break any rules and if you do, well, you can try my technique! But, Lord, my performance was worthy of an Oscar, a Grammy and a Golden Globe all rolled into one! Nollywood ooooo! Discover me na!

Uwanma the DramaQueen!

iDiary 79: The 6KM Run and The Laziest Saturday!


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Meanwhile my sports bra is now too big! Damn!

Saturday morning arrives and I’m dragged out of bed by my housemate before 7am! Now y’all know I’m in love with early morning sleep! But I’m proud to say I went for a run. We gotta sacrifice some things to gain some other things, right?

Anyway, we’re off with our ears plugged… But mehn, we encountered all sorts of people with questionable motives for being out. And my housemate Keke was happily pointing out the different characters; she runs everyday.

First we saw the girl who wears very sexy workout clothes and never runs or jogs. She just sways and sashays up and down the road then stops at the busy intersection to stretch. Very sexy stretching I might add! I’m sure I don’t need to point out her motive! Let me give you a hint: I don’t think it is weightloss!

Next we passed (or we were passed) by “The Perfume Guy”. Please, who goes jogging early morning on Saturday after showering? I don’t even think he showered because he didn’t have that fresh look. Anyway, when Keke called him The Perfume Guy I excused him by saying maybe he has body odour and is being considerate of other runners he would pass. Mehn! Calling him The Perfume Guy is an understatement! The guy passed us and we practically started coughing and choking! The man had drenched himself in perfume! This one pass body odour, biko! Chai! I’m calling him “The Body Odour Guy”! His motive? Death to other runners by perfume!

Then there was a group of gossiping ladies who strolling so slowly, giggling and laughing… It was quite irritating to see especially when there were some fat ones who could do well with a good run! Their motives? Gossip about other runners and stay fat!

Then there was this Asian chick who was all over the place; running, walking and dancing in all directions! She was a bundle of energy. On our way home we even saw her within the estate running out! Her motive appears to be to kill herself with physical activity!

Finally, the older gentlemen walking in groups of twos. Delicious looking gentlemen I might add! Yummy! I like well-preserved older men… Anyway, there was this particular one: tall, dark, handsome with some gray hair… Our eyes met… His motive appears to be: Make the girls swoon!

At the end of my run/data gathering for y’all, Keke and I did approximately 6km in 1hr and 10 minutes. Then I took a hot shower, drank Horlicks and slept till evening, getting up only to eat cake smothered in custard then going back to sleep! I spent Saturday on my back! I believe I have effectively undone the effects of the 6km run!

Good day my people… keep fit even if you’re skinny, your health is a priority!

Uwanma the Layabout!

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iDiary 79: The Lunch Date and The Mama-Put!


I am often guilty of not hanging out with more of my friends and it’s one of the things I mean to change this year. Bash and I had been making plans for lunch but never quite got around to it. Between her two beautiful kids (her son has a crush on me but her daughter couldn’t care less!) and my weird schedule we struggle for time. But this today we finally did it!

So, we meet up at City Mall Lagos and decide we want a change of scenery from the usual fancy posh restaurants. We decided to go local…back to the grassroots! We decided to go Mama-Put.

For those of you who don’t know what Mama-Put is let me explain: it is a local eatery where local traditional meals are sold in sometimes hygienically questionable environments! Some people say it’s the poor hygeine that makes the food so delicious! Science (and research) is yet to prove otherwise! Anyway, there’s usually an impatient fat woman sitting by the pot dishing the food out to customers who queue with their plates in their hands like beggars.

These Mama-Put places are, surprisingly not just for the poor people. The bosses, Directors and MDs ho there, too! Even the celebrities!

Ok. Enough with the explanation; the pictures will help.

Good day my people…stay in touch with your roots, it keeps you grounded.

Uwanma the LocalAndProud!

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Bash and I. No more lipstick after the food! Lol!

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Welcome to Iya Eba! I wanted amala but ended up eating pounded yam because the lunch crowd had finished it!

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Told you there's always a fat lady behind the pots!

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This man was obviously enjoying his lunch! Mine looks better than it tastes though

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But I was hungry enough to almost finish it! Iya Eba gets 60% rating from me!

iDiary 78: The Spa Experience and The Breast Massage!


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I’ve got great friends! I’ve been feeling quite ugly and unsexy for some time now. Especially since I lost all the weight and my butt and breasts fell victim to weightloss. (Remember my boobless and nyashless post?) So, my darling friend sponsored a visit to the spa for a rejuvenating time out.

I have a confession: I’ve never been to a spa before. Well, I’ve been before for a full body massage but that’s it. Yea, yea; I’m a bush local girl! Leave me like that!

Anyway, I’d originally planned to do it at Four Points by Sheraton but someone kindly recommended Montaigne Place in Victoria Island especially because they use Clarins beauty products only. So, I called, picked a package and got a reservation.

As soon as I walked in my first thought was: “Damn! Rich people sure know how to pamper themselves!” The ambience made me feel relaxed even before I spoke a word to any of the staff who, by the way, were awesome. Agatha who attended me was nothing but professional. It was a tad uncomfortable at first laying there stark naked while some woman has her hands all over me. Especially when my butt and boobs were not omitted during the body scrub. But Agatha’s professionalism erased the discomfort. I fell asleep during the massage which came after the pedicure, manicure, full body scrub, a hot jet shower the facial treatment and other stuff I don’t know…a testimony of how good it felt.

The whole process took approximately 4 hours! Worth every second and every Naira! Right now I feel like the sexiest woman alive! My skin feels like silk, my feet look edible and my mind feels decluttered. I told my sister my skin could compete with Ruby’s for smoothness right now! Even my bum would probably beat the baby’s in terms of smoothness! I love Clarins products after this; when I’m rich and famous that’s the product I’ll use. In the meantime I’ll manage my Vaseline!

I couldn’t take much pictures because I was naked; don’t want to reduce my bride price! And also because I didn’t want to shatter the tranquillity.

Good day my people…give yourself a treat, even if it’s a DIY treat.

Uwanma the Revamped!

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iDiary 77: The Nollywood Movie and The Kissing/Sex Scene!


Finally! I got to act in a Nollywood movie production! And not just any production; the big boys, Mnet and African Magic (DSTV)! Whoop! Whoop! And guess what? I played a major role! Hahahaha! I’m dancing and typing!

Anyway, it was an awesome experience though a lot of work but I’m not lazy so I took that in stride.

It’s a love story titled The Matchmaker and I played the love interest of a not-so honest man but it all worked out in the end. As you can imagine, there was a love scene where we kiss in the park and then make love! Of course the sex is assumed since we are to kiss and while kissing, fall out of shot.

I was a bit concerned about the kiss though. Especially as my “lover” is a handsome actor who knows he is and is also quite the ladies’ man. So I spoke to the director about my concerns and he promised he would make sure I’m comfortable with whatever happens. Meanwhile I expressed the same concerns to my friends and they told me to shut up and pucker up!

Time to kiss and I packed my mouth full of breath mints (no point punishing the guy with a funky breath!). Director gives us our brief: “Bring your lips almost to touching point then fall out of shot”. I was happy; No kissing a stranger! Yay! But apparently my “lover” didn’t think it would be believable and real.

So, “Take One! Scene 55! Aaaaaand ACTION!” My guy kissed me o! Not only was it lips touching, he actually put his tongue in my mouth!

Aaaand CUT!
“You had your tongue out. Please don’t do that again”.
“Oh! I’m sorry! I haven’t kissed on set in a long time. I’m used to real kisses because that’s what I’ve been doing”
Eyes rolling at his response! Unfortunately, he had set the pace and it would have been extremely unprofessional of me to insist on no kisses. So, for Take Two and Three, we kissed.

I was told by everyone that I did a great job; not sure if they mean the kiss or my acting skills but I’ll take the compliment!

Did I mention my “lover” is a hot hunk? So you can imagine it wasn’t an unpleasant experience! (Blush!)

Good day my people…the most important thing is to remember that I’m gradually achieving my dreams. What are you up to? Remember, life is short.

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iDiary 76: The Sterling Bank Party and The Red Carpet Host!


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The year 2014 is looking like it’s going to blow my mind in terms of how successful it will be! I was asked to host the red carpet of Sterling Bank’s end-of-year slash new year party! Lil’ ol’ me!

The theme of the party was Glam Africa so the dress code was African traditional attire. Remember I’ve dropped about two dress sizes so none of my clothes fit (hence the Christmas Giveaway)? Well, I have this really red carpet worthy ankara outfit but it was now too big for me. I’ve searched for a good tailor who can help fix my clothes to fit but there appears to be a lack in that area! Well, yours truly whipped out the sewing kit and got to work! All those dolls I played with as a child didn’t dress themselves!

Hosting the red carpet for this party was fun but a lot of hard work! Not to mention the nerves and tension! It was, after all, my first time. The staff of Sterling Bank didn’t make it any easier! Gosh! I practically had to wrestle them to the ground before I could interview them and even at that most refused to speak! Talk about camera shy!

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After I was done with the red carpet job, is decided to unwind with some friends at Ember Creek in Ikoyi. Place is a great seaside watering hole; don’t understand why people don’t beat a path to their door. Regardless, I had a blast.

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Anyway, I’ve received feedback from the organisers and got a thumbs-up! Life is good right now!

Good day my people…I’ve just taken another step towards my dream; what’s yours?

Uwanma the Dreamer!

iDiary 75: The Advice and The Bitter Truth!


I stumbled on this speech allegedly by Bill Cosby and I felt he could as well be speaking to us here in Nigeria and Africa.

“They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English. I can’t even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain’t,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be…
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we’ve got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what? And they won’t spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol? And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward: Isn’t that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn’t that a sign of something?

Isn’t it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from?? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa …..

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid. I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don’t have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ……… And all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different ‘husbands’ — or men or whatever you call them now. We have millionaire football players who cannot read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can’t write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard… We cannot blame the white people any longer.’

~Dr.. William Henry ‘Bill’ Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.

Good day my people…if this didn’t make sense to you then perhaps you’re the one to whom he speaks…

Uwanma the Aware!